Truth Be Told: You’re Not My Type

Intro: Seeing as how this is my first story, I thought an intro might be in order.

I am a steward of honesty and transparency. Many times it has gotten me in trouble and I expect it will many times more. But there’s something at my core that screams at me to always demonstrate radical candor, defined as “the the ability to Challenge Directly and show you Care Personally at the same time.”

Therefore, each story will always begin with “Truth Be Told” and will unapologetically explore whatever topic is on my mind, from the downward spiral that is the online dating app world (this post), to the concept of a back-up friend (we all have one, even if you don’t know it yet), and even as deep as what it’s like to live with grief (future posts, come back soon!).

With that said, I hope you enjoy this first post. And if you do, please share it because as you’re about to read, friends don’t let friends have bad dating app profiles.

“Kelly, why are you still single?”

“Kelly are you seeing anyone?”

“Kelly have you gone on a date lately?”

If I had a dollar…

This post has been a long time coming, and that time is now. I’ve just published a new photo album on Facebook (privately, sorry folks) that I call “The Best of the Worst” dating app profiles (don’t worry, you’ll get a preview of some of them here). These screenshots are all taken by me, I think, although I have ongoing text chats with girlfriends (friends who are girls for those of you who were asking yourself that question) who have contributed many, many more (you are not alone).

I call this: Must love J-Pop.

Sure, you might be thinking, Kelly these are outliers, anomalies, most profiles can’t be this bad. You’d be wrong. A good chunk of these screenshots are fresh within the last couple weeks and these are the ones that I casually come across. I’m not actively searching for these profiles, no. They invade my screen quite regularly.

Wants to tip you for your services.

What’s infuriating to me is the increasing frequency with which I’m seeing these clearly careless and distasteful profiles. I’ve purposefully avoided Tinder my entire single life hoping to avoid the bottom of the barrel and the quick hook up seekers but they’re spreading like a virus to every dating app and diluting the potential to meet someone good, decent and who doesn’t take a selfie of their @$$ crack in the bathroom mirror (at a hotel nonetheless, is the wifey back at home I wonder?).

Need floss?

So let these serve as a shame post. Let’s please band together. Friends don’t let friends have bad dating profiles. If you know someone who does, please shame them and get them to go on Thumbtack and hire a semi-professional photographer to get some normal head shots, and for heaven’s sake please tell them to smile and don’t wear sunglasses, we’re not looking for mug shots.

Just left the police office or the DMV, you decide.

On a bright note, amazing profiles do exist. There are decent guys out there, I have dated them. If you know any others, please send them my way, I’m still accepting applications.

BUT, in response to some comments from friends on Facebook, I’m going to elaborate because I feel the responsibility to take this teaching moment a step further and not leave the handful of decent men out there with the incorrect impression that all it takes is a good photo and a lack of profanity to get a response. Think of it this way: a good resume doesn’t guarantee you an interview, you have to read the recruiter and tailor your skill set to the job you’re applying for and for heaven’s sake don’t be generic.

Therefore, good guys who are well-intentioned, listen closely cause this part is for you. Following these basic recommendations is proven to increase your chances of getting a response and maybe even a date by 85% (no actual study has been completed and these claims cannot be confirmed in any way shape or form, but hey I had to throw a statistic in here somewhere):

  1. Never, EVER ask “How was your weekend?” I will assume either a) you’re a bot created by the app developers to increase their DAU score, b) you read none of my profile and have asked the same question to the last twenty women you just swiped right on, or c) you lack all creativity to ask me anything better than that. Moving on… literally.
  2. Don’t take more than 24 hours to suggest a date. We’re on a dating app, let’s date. If you got a response from me that means I’m willing to give you my time so don’t waste it in the app, let’s meet up! I don’t want to be left thinking I’m #10 in your dating queue (even when that might be the case, in which case you’re a manwhore and this doesn’t apply to you anyway).
  3. If I can’t figure out which person in the photo is you, I’m going to assume you’re the least attractive person in the photo. Cool you’ve got lots of friends, you do fun things, but if you can’t give me a close up photo of you then you’re wasting my time. Call me vain, but if I didn’t care what you looked like then there would be a popular app called Blind Date, but guess what it doesn’t exist (this I have verified, go take a look yourself).
  4. The following photos should all be banned forever from dating apps, don’t be this cliche person: car-selfie, bathroom-selfie, gym-selfie, really any selfie, Machu Picchu, bear/lion rug-on-the-floor-pose (no, it’s not sexy), holding a fish (only other bros will care about the size of your fish; if I need someone to provide for me, I will jump on Instacart. side note: I have an entirely separate album of men-holding-fish photos, look for the coffee table book soon), posing with a posse of women (unless you want me to start wondering which one you dated or wonder if all you do is hang out with other women, save that one for your bros), I’ll stop the list here but could go on.

I’ll save more tips for a potential Part 2 of this story in the future, but that should get some of you decent guys on the right track for now.

In closing, don’t give in to the hype that there’s plenty of fish in the sea if you’re one of the few looking for a real relationship. There aren’t. Dating apps have proven this to me. I’ve dated all types: short, tall, fit, not fit, smart, uneducated but witty, well traveled, lacking a passport, etc. I know what I want and I don’t always get it but I’ll keep trying and will cross my fingers that this post will find it’s way across many iPhones and the next time I swipe left it will be because you’re just not my type and not because I’m questioning whether you have a bed to sleep in…

Homeless or hippie?

Life is short, I am not.